my phone needs a breathalizer
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
