nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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