I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
