Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
