I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
