Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
