Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
