Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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