oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize