i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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