Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
