My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
