He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
