lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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