he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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