hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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