My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
