I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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