oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nicole vs. Life
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
