I have demons in me.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
