shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
