Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize