see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
