I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
