As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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