HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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