Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
