Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize