i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
