I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The uberlube is also flammable
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
