She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
