After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
