worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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