Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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