Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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