dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
