Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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