How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
