I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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