So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
