the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
