I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize