mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
