I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
