sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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