I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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