The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
