i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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