you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
