He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
