Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
