so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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