I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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