Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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