It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
