Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
