How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
