But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
