i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
