sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
