Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
