he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
