??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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